Aussie Rules: Created by Convicts, Coopted by Homos

Having now watched the World Cup in 3 countries and baseball in both Japan and Korea, I thought it was only fitting that I make a pass at Aussie Rules Football while in Oz. While the name is in one sense apt – it does seem to be very uniquely “Aussie” – the association with “rules” seems to be a bit of misdirection.

A brief aside for an Australian history lesson. Australia originated as a dumping ground for British convicts that was far enough away from Britain that they didn’t really give a shit what happened to them. According to Wikipedia, “One of the primary reasons for the British settlement of Australia was the establishment of a penal colony to alleviate pressure on their overburdened correctional facilities.” Apparently, nowadays it’s quite prestigious to be able to trace your ancestry back to the convict-settlers. I know some WASPy types who take pride in being able to trace their relatives back to the Mayflower or Jamestown or whatever, but having colonial American ancestors seems to be like a claim to a patriotic heritage, like your ancestors were brave and enterprising and sailed across the ocean in search of freedom and opportunity. Having colonial Australian ancestors is like saying I’m descended from the stock of rapists and murders.

But I digress. I’m sure much of my impression of the game comes from sheer ignorance. I’m sure there’s elegance and strategy and finesse in spades. But to the untrained eye, it looks like it’s pretty much a free for all out there. Want to grab a player by the jersey to bring him down? Fine! Deliver a little extra sock as you take him down? No problem! When you ended up on this sandy continent for stabbing someone, a little extra elbow or fist must have seemed like no big deal when they were writing the rules. At one point, I saw two players somewhat removed from the action start to jostle each other. Jostling turned into shoving and yanking, all literally right in front of the ref. He started to make some half-hearted steps towards the players, but why should he take any interest? None of the other spectators seemed to think this was unsporting, or even remarkable.

One of the great things about sports (aside from the gladiatorial sating of modern day bloodlust) is the weird superstitions and traditions that you would never otherwise subscribe to except that you’re a true fan. While these rituals are what gives every great team heart and binds the fans to the franchise, to an outsider, they’re hilarious. This trip, as a constant stranger in an ever strange land, I’ve seen my fair share of this tomfoolery. For the Yakult Swallows, it’s the aforementioned umbrella cheer after home runs (you can see a clip in my Picasa album). For the Doosan Bears in Korea, it’s their simultaneously cute and terrifying robotic bear mascot (which I’ll be damned that I didn’t take a picture of and now can’t find online. Sorry so much of this is links, I suck as a tourist/photojournalist and constantly forget my camera). For the Carlton Navy Blues, the home team last night, it’s their great Victorian-era fight song. Does this really strike fear into the hearts of the opponents, or make you feel like you’ve stumbled into a gay pirate musical?

Speaking of gay pirates, perhaps the real best part of Aussie rules isn’t the total disregard for bodily harm or the 19th century fight song. Aussie rules uniforms are, shall we say, a bit ‘mo. The players are dressed in skin-tight sleeveless shirts, and shorts that are the same length NBA players used to wear back when the Celtics and Lakers were a rivalry the first time. It’s basically a gay slutty Halloween costume version of a real athletic uniform:

I rest my case.

And it turns out, my fellow-travelers, that my intuition was right. After a little bit of reconnaissance last night, it just so happens that there is quite a large gay following of Aussie Rules. My source tells me that Collingwood has an estimated 10,000 gay fans (!). No word on when Aussie Rules is due up for a Vanity Fair cover.